On Chipotle and Career Choices

Original posting date: April 5th, 2023

To my high school band director -

4 years ago, around this time, I was making the proper preparations to graduate high school.

4 years ago, I brought lunch - chipotle - an order I still have, I found it somewhere, in the organized chaos of my notes section.

(The note in question... I've since realized the notes section of my phone is much like a battlefield - full of mines and rather rough to look through)

4 years ago, as we spoke about my impending college experience, you asked a simple question:

“What do you want to do?”

I told you then - I hadn’t an idea.

I simply knew who I didn’t want to be and had an idea of who I wanted to become:

Someone brave.

Someone kind.

Someone trusted.

Someone respected.

Who damn near never gave in.

I forgot about this conversation - for a good long while - I threw myself into school, the same way - if not more - than I had in high school.

The girl they told “never”:

Faced off against professors.

Said “no” enough times to make high school Caroline faint.

Started a business at 19.

Broke even at 20.

Worked an internship with a ministry.

Then left and started another.

Worked with pre-school aged children.

Performed a full recital.

Debuted multiple pieces.

Worked on a recording project.

Got a job with a marching band.

Saw them through to state.

Stood her ground against those who should've been in her corner.

Built a full capacity studio.

Stood up for herself and others.

Yet, I never felt brave. I never once felt it. And as I read that, I realize, I always was.

I learned that in showing limitless kindness, you open yourself up to pain. In pain, you learn more about what you are capable of. Of what God is so capable of pushing you to become.

I watched as countless people sought me out - and yet - I never thought of myself as someone “more trustworthy”.

And as I came into myself as a teacher, I found the respect I had always strode to give others being reciprocated.

Now, as I sit with myself - I realize, I never did let up. I dug my heels in.

I always told myself I never wanted to be a trailblazer. Never wanted to make a way when there were so many to chose from and go down...

And it seems that’s all I did in college:

First one to put my foot down instead of walking away when things got uncomfortable.

First jury for a new professor.

First conditional pass on a barrier.

And I watched as my experiences became the cornerstone of something new.

Stepping out on a new path was the hardest thing I did… and I did it within months of going off to school. Advocating for myself and all the others to come, was the hardest thing I had done until that point. Following through with it should’ve been easy… but that stung even more. The discomfort that came with the change. New faces. New situations. Holding out for things to stop seemingly worsening, so they could hopefully get better. I felt powerless.

And in all of that,

I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be the reason someone gave up.

So Mr. Rosman, to answer your question, albeit 4 years late:

I want to be a fire starter.

P. S. 

On instagram, @Caroline.N.Winds remains a slice of solace -- a place where we redefine our differences and discuss our passions, but the Caroline N. Winds Blog will be here for every musician who needs a moment to breathe and feel understood. Letters may vary in who they are addressed to, but this is still the same safe space for all.💙